ZodiaCroquet ...

ZodiaCroquet, “It’s all in the alignment!”
with Simon the Sooth

AQUARIUS                          Be wary of people approaching you to be an office holder – they seek to take advantage of your water-carrying skills. Avert this by donating a trophy and thereby be hailed as a patron. Together with Pisces, yours is a southern and autumn sign but this is not a commendation. Good luck will be claimed as skill, planning and virtue. Two in front controls the hoop. Take time to stalk the ball. “Living next door to Alice” will be your ear worm for the next week. At least.

ARIES                                    A ram is rarely an attractive sight but the scoring is amazing. The name of the alpha star in your constellation is Hamal – make of that what you will. Bad luck can be blamed on more factors than there are balls on the court. Visualisation of an outcome will produce astonishing results. Keep your eye on the ball; shutting your eyes, however, can produce an amazing result. If you are playing doubles, remember that your partner is your other half and that together you make a team. You will meet someone living in a gated community.

CANCER                        Crab-like, the Cancerian croquet player is inclined to sidle into a stalking position. Once in possession, this player will not let go which explains why jawing the hoop is a characteristic feature of play. This is a northern, spring sign, which is good, because you need something going for you. If it weren’t for bad luck, you would have to blame yourself. Placement of the ball depends on skill as much as on intent. Don’t lift your head until the ball is in motion, and even then that can be too soon. You will discuss health concerns with someone who shares your sporting interest.

CAPRICORN                        The giddy goat – too much corn in its humour, too much capering in its playing behaviour. A player more suited to tennis, or squash, or lacrosse, or any other sport with an ‘s’ in its name. The greatest enemy of your game is doubt. Plan where your ball is to end up – have a target and aim for it. You will discover that there is no such thing as an angle shot. Look at all the options before deciding on your shot. Don’t try to play your opponent’s game. The biscuits of a discount grocery chain will be highly recommended.

GEMINI                        Twins – this is a problematic sign but readily explains your capacity for playing fantastically well one day and abominably bad another; clearly fraternal twins are squabbling for dominance with vastly different styles of play. Doubt is the greatest enemy of your game. When approaching a hoop, plan to be in front rather than behind. There is no such thing as an angle shot, you will discover. You will be reminded that good people bring wine, while others will talk of marshmallows and choc-mints.

LEO                                    Whether pussy-cat or lion, there are character features which suit you well for croquet: basking in the sun before pouncing, ingratiating oneself for a favour then studiously ignoring the donor, teasing play before the kill. Afterall, one is a feline or one is nothing. Leo is a northern, spring sign so don’t say you haven’t been warned. The greatest enemy of your game is tension. Laying a decoy ball will earn you a reputation for guile and great skill. It will disturb you to learn than there is no such thing as an angle shot. An interesting stranger will not cross your path unmolested.

LIBRA                        Balance is the key Libran quality – one good shot for one bad shot because it all equals out in the end seems to be your chief attitude. Do not expect to be sought after as a doubles’ partner. Try pairing with another Libran and see how you go. Tension is the greatest enemy of your game. A smooth, slow backstroke will produce the desired result: prepare to be amazed. Your opponent will not show mercy in placing you off-side. Find your comfort zone for each type of stroke and see how much your game improves. Romance will give you a wide berth, understandably.

PISCES                        The fish’s capacity to swiftly change direction can be a strength when responding to rapidly changing circumstances of play, or a dire weakness when flipping about out of idle curiosity. The goldfish-bowl atmosphere of tournament play creates severe pressure. Paired with Aquarius (fish and water: obvious) as two southern and autumn signs – it sounds too much like a nursing home to contemplate cheerfully. The greatest enemies of your game are doubt and tension. A longer follow-through rather than a longer backstroke will give a better outcome. Establish a routine for every shot, and keep to it. You will find yourself in a place where different sports are being played nearby.

SAGITTARIUS            One would have thought that the archer’s aim and strength would favour the croquet player; why then do so many shots miss their mark? Maybe romance would be a better suit with Cupid’s smaller bow but sharper pierce. A good stop shot is immensely satisfying. Doubt and tension are the greatest enemies of your game. Stalk the ball for the result you have in mind. You will find benefit in maintaining a routine preparation for every shot. Days will be mild or even warm while evenings will be chill.

SCORPIO                        Save the sting for when it really counts – great satisfaction is obtained thereby, and with it a reputation greatly to be envied. Do not thereby expect to be liked. As Saturn moves into your sector you will see that it is a very big planet indeed. You will use a mnemonic for the order of play. To achieve the result you wish for, stalk the ball. Every shot should have a routine method of preparation. Look for the weaknesses of your opponent and exploit them. You will find that the back door is an easier entrance than the front which will be irksome.

TAURUS                        Better known for china shop antics (not that the haberdasher or greengrocer fare much better), the bull is underrated for it is a stolid observer of all that is happening before launching into action. It is better, when approaching a hoop, to be in front rather than behind. Stalking the ball will improve your accuracy, as will striking it. Keep to an established routine in making a shot. Use your strengths to promote your chance of success. Creating uncertainty in an opponent will open opportunities for your own advantage.

VIRGO                        Pure and chaste, the Virgo player pursues an immaculate style of play widely acknowledged for its grace and poise. If only the hoops would co-operate. Do not pair with Leo as two northern, spring signs together will general more heat that would be healthy for both of you. It is almost always preferable to be in front of the hoop than behind. To improve your accuracy, stalk the ball. Every shot you make should conform to your routine. You will find yourself partnered with someone who annoys you although you keep this hidden such is the impeccable sweetness of your demeanour.